grimly ashley (thedeadlive) wrote,
grimly ashley
thedeadlive

life.

i am in the midst of compiling my essay on love.
not that i really expect anybody to care, but it shall reveal all my deepest, darkest secrets...
yeah, im quoting conor.
yesterday night, or, more so, this morning, it finally hit me. my break down. crying felt so good. at first.
all day today ive been 'fighting back the tears,' as a certain mr skiba would say. and quite unsuccessfully.
i hate girls. i really do. i have yet to become so emotionally and mentally attatched to a boy. i jsut, i am not ok.
i feel cheated, wronged, hurt, crushed, betrayed, lied to, led on, foolish, gullible, ridiculous, guilty, sad, pestimistic.
i want to be lied to.
i would love to be lied to.
and it wasnt like it was her fault. i ...lied to myself, let myself believe something far fetched and very untrue.
its all my fault.
and ive done it before.
adn ill do it again.
and it will always be my fault.

i get to close tonight at work. at least its a distracton.
not that i could ever be truly distracted, as wehre i think about everything that deals with it every fucking second of every fucking minute of every fucking hour, etc.
then i have a good 4 hours of english homework.
im passing ap stats with a 75. ive turned in one imcolete homework assignment, but kicked ass on a quiz. we took a test. i couldnt concentrate.
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